


Letters of love

by hidinginmyroom



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, Cutting, Depression, Diary/Journal, F/M, Letters, M/M, Secrets, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, afraid, idk - Freeform, scared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-23
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2017-12-09 07:10:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 10,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/771444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hidinginmyroom/pseuds/hidinginmyroom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis letters to Harry, that Harry might get to read.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The first one

**Author's Note:**

> Warings may go up later, I don't know yet.

I’m not sure if I will ever give you this, but for now I will just tell you all the tings that I need you to know. All the things I really want to tell you but can’t. You see, I want to tell you the truth. I just have no idea of how to do it. It’s hard for me to even write this down, because I know deep down that you don’t feel the same as me. Why should you? I’m just your friend, one of your best friends, but still just a friend. I want to be more than that, and sometimes I believe that you want too. There is something about the way you look at me sometimes that makes me think, only for a few seconds, that you might feel the same way. Don’t worry, I know that it’s not real and that is only my imagination giving me what I so desperately want to be real.

Even if I want it to be real, there are still some times I try to tell myself that I’m not in love with you either. That I’m not in love with my best friend and that I’m not gay. Sometimes I feel like it’s a bad thing, me being gay. You don’t even know this about me, and I don’t think I will tell you any time soon. Not really sure if I ever want anybody else to know this. Maybe if I could have you it wouldn’t matter. Because I think I would be happy no matter what if I had you in the way I wanted to.

So since I already told you that I’m gay here, I can just as well tell you that I’m not in love with her. Never have been and never will be, and that’s one of the things that makes me such a horrible person. Because she doesn’t know, and I’m sure that she is in love with me to some degree. Not sure if she really loves me so much as I love you, but still. It makes me an awful person to drag her along like this. It’s not that I don’t care for her, because I do. I just can’t love her in the way I should be able too. She is just not you. 

The only reason I even tried to start a relationship with her was because you introduced us. Its seemed like you thought she and I would be a perfect match, and it sort of broke my heart that you tired to set me up with someone that wasn’t you, when I at that time was so sure that you felt the same for me as I did for you.

So seeing that you had no interest in me that way, I thought it would be a good idea to try and get over you with her. Bad idea, I don’t even like girls, and its hard trying to keep a relationship with her going when I feel noting like that for her. I never will and I hate myself for it every day.

I think that I’m going to break up with her. She doesn’t deserve this, and I don’t deserve this. Not really sure of what I deserve, but I like to think that I deserve better than this. At least I hope so. It can be that I don’t, but then I don’t want to know. So I’m going to do it, and I’m going to do it soon. She is coming over tomorrow and if I don’t chicken out I will do it then. Wish me good luck, even though when you read this (if you ever read it) I will have broken up with her already. Hopefully. Maybe. Most certainly.


	2. The talk with her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis talks to Eleanor.

So I did it! I actually did it, and it was awful. Not really sure when the last time was when I cried that much. I think it might was when we didn’t go trough on the x-factor. Or that first time when you didn’t come home at night and I thought that you was having a one-night stand with someone. (You were never supposed to know this, it was a few weeks after we moved in together and you slept over at Zayn’s) But anyways, she took it better than I had expected she would, but she still cried and told me that she would always love me, and that she would always be there for me.

I told her that I was gay and then we both started to cry even more. She told me that she had always suspected that I was at least bisexual but she was never sure, and didn’t want to ask me. Said that it wasn’t really her right to know if I didn’t want to tell her. She is truly a wonderful person. I don’t see how she can care for me still, after all what I have put her trough.

When I told her that I thought I loved you, she laughed. Actually laughed. But it wasn’t a bad laugh, she wasn’t laughing at me. Rather with me and she was smiling and me and telling me how great it was and how perfect we would be together. This made me cry even more. Because she didn’t seen anything wrong with me being in love with you or me being gay. To her it was totally fine, and she was so supportive that I didn’t know what to do with myself. 

I told her about how I thought you would never love me and how you saw me as only as friend and nothing more. She told me not to be so negative and that I could never know for sure, and that I should talk to you. I’m not so sure if I can do that, I’m too afraid. It would be awful and I have no idea of what I should say to you. What if you laughed in my face? What would I then? I could never live that down.

So I’m not sure of what I’m going to do know. I’m just so happy that I’m not longer dragging her along and lying to her. I’m still lying to everybody but I’m not lying to her and she was the person that deserved it the least. Because I was the one that put her in a situation where she had a gay boyfriend without knowing it. I’m not really sure of what I’m going to tell you in person about the break-up. I have no idea of what to tell my mom. She loved her, and I think that she will be really mad at me for breaking this off. But I have to stop now, because I think I heard you walk through the door and I don’t want you to know about this yet, or ever.


	3. 3

Yeah, I still haven’t given you the first letter yet but it’s nice to get my feelings out like this. It makes me feel like I’m telling you, without having you knowing. I want to tell you, but I still have no idea of how to do it. I’m not sure if I ever will tell you, and I don’t think I will show you these. Because this is kind of private, but I want to share all of my life with you. I just don’t know how to do this.

I want to thank you for how you acted when I told you about her, and how we broke up. It was nice that you didn’t ask loads of question about why and how and just was there for me. It would be hard to explain to you, because then I would have to tell you how I’m gay and how that’s the only reason she and I broke up. Telling you would be impossible; because you are perfect and you can’t understand how it feels to be this fucked up and hurt other people like that. You would never understand how I could hurt her so much just because I was afraid of being myself.

You would never hate me for being gay, I know that. It would never matter to you, because you don’t care about things like that, and that’s why you’re perfect. I’m only afraid of how you will react if I tell you that I’m in love with you and have been for so long. I think I fell in love with you the day I met you. Just looking at you I knew that you were a wonderful person and that I would love everything about you.

It was perfect when you told me I deserved to be happy and that you would always be there for me when I needed you. Or it was even more perfect when you hold me all night when I cried. I know that you thought that I cried over her and it being over between her and me. That was not the reason, I was crying over you and the fact that you will never be mine in the way I want you to. It’s hard when you are right there in front of me and till so fare away. Even if I get to talk to you, laugh with you, smiled with you and even cry with you, you will never be mine in the way that I want so badly.

You are a great friend and I really don’t want to lose you, even if it hurts seeing you everyday. I will get over you one day, I know I have too, because someday ( and I hope its really long into the future, I can’t handle it yet) you will find someone yourself. I don’t know how I will handle that, but right now even the thought makes me feel sick. I don’t think I will ever be okay with you dating and even loving someone else, but I will try to be happy for you when it happens.

No I’m even starting to cry because I feel like such an awful person for being jealous of your future girlfriend (I’m saying girlfriend because I’m kind of sure of you not being gay). I’m just going to go now, and but I think I will keep writing these.


	4. 4

So I haven’t written in a while. We have all been really busy and I just haven’t had the time. Things have been going good, or well not. Things have been far from good. I’m not really sure what’s going on anymore, but I know that I’m slipping and I really need a break form everything. It’s just so much going on, and I don’t know what to do.

You didn’t come home last night, and I found out where you spent the night, with Nick. Out of all people. It really hurts, and I know that I shouldn’t be jealous, because you can do whatever you want. I’m not your boyfriend and you can’t know why that would be a problem for me. It shouldn’t be. I’m just your friend and if you want to spend the night with an almost thirty year old gay radio host you should just do that. But it still fucking hurts, and if you start dating him it will break me even more.

I just don’t understand why you like him better than me. What does he have that I don’t?

So when I said that things was not going good, I meant not at all. You see, me being gay and in love with you are not the only secrets I’m keeping from you. I’m not sure, but I think that this other one is much worse. I want to tell you why I’m doing this other thing, but I can’t. I thought I was over it, and I stopped a long time ago. It’s just that after last night, when you were with Nick I did it again. I didn’t mean to, and I swear I wont do it again. Whatever happens, I can’t do that again. It can never happen again.

I want to tell you what it is, but I’m scared that you will be disgusted. This will make it eve more unlikely for you to ever fall in love with me, this will make you hate me. And you should, you should hate me. I’m just a selfish, stupid boy who doesn’t deserve anything of the things he has gotten.

Okay, so the ting is that I hurt myself sometimes. Or well I used to do it a lot. Mostly on my thighs and low on my stomach. I stopped before x-factor and I promised myself to never do it again. It was a bad thing and it was a really bad time. I was even more afraid of being gay and I hated myself for they way I was, and still am. I aware of that it’s fine to be gay now. I wasn’t then and I hurt myself so much because of it. It’s something I regret so much and I really wish I never did it.

All of those scars are fading and you have to really look to see them. I see them, but I can wear cloths that show the places without people seeing. Or well, not anymore. So I cut myself last night, I was feeling so bad about everything and had so much hate for myself. I’m so sorry and I will try to never do it again. Or I can’t promise, because I felt good to do it, and I have kind of missed it. I shouldn’t, but I do. Also, it kind of helps with all the pain I feel inside and it makes it easier to deal with the fact that you will never love me, or rather be in love with me.

I’m never going to show you this letter, because you can’t know about the self-harm. You just can’t. I don’t want to tell you, and I don’t think I could even get the words out. I don’t want to know how you would look at me if you knew. Would it be with disgust or with pity or would you be angry? I think you might would be angry. We are friends, and even if you don’t love me like I love you I know that you still care.

Just please don’t fall in love with Nick? I don’t know what I would do if you fell in love with a boy that’s not me. I can’t not be good enough for you; it would break me even more.

No, don’t listen to that. You have to do whatever makes you happy. I will be fine as long as you are happy.


	5. The one about being scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of short but the next one will be longer. I promise :)

So when I said I would be fine as long as you are happy I was kind of lying. I want to be fine with whatever, I just can’t do it. It makes me so mad, because I’m really trying to be fine, and to not care that much.

Who am I even trying to convince? I could never stop caring about you, I don’t think anybody could ever stop loving you. There is just something about every little thing that you do, and your smile. That fucking smile. It kind of really messes with my head. Have you ever noticed that? Because sometimes when you smile I can’t even think straight. I forget everything I’m doing and I can’t see anybody but you. It’s always you.

Other than that I have noticed that you don’t hang out with Nick so much anymore. Is that because of me? I know that some of the thing I said to him, and about him wasn’t that nice. But come on, he is trying to steal you away form me, and that scars the shit out of me. He can’t take you, what am I supposed to do without you? (I would starve, but that’s beside the point, I can order take-out.)

I know that I shouldn’t say those tings to and about Nick, and I have seen your face when I say them. You look really hurt, but at the same time there is something else in your eyes that I can’t figure out what is. It kind of looked like hope, but what would you be hoping for? Me to get sick of you too and just leave?

Crap. Now I made myself cry again. That’s great, just great. I have so much more I want to say right now but I really have to go. You are home and you have Niall with you.  
Its time for me to put on a smile, a large hoodie and face the two of you. Maybe you won’t notice that I’m wearing so much clothes even if it’s really hot here.


	6. The one with thank you

This has been a really bad and kind of good night. I don’t even know what to start with. There is just so much and I’m not sure if I wished it never happened or if I’m glad that it did.

Like I said in the last letter, I’m really afraid of you finding out that I harm myself. So when you asked me about the hoodie and how I wasn’t dying of heat I had no idea of what to say or do. There was nothing else for me to do than panic. I was terrified and I know that you saw right through my fake laugh and “I’m just really cold, seriously Harry”.

But you didn’t say anything about it; you just left it there. Stated talking with Niall about something else. Didn’t even say anything when I left the room a few minutes later.

After I left that room I did something really bad, and I’m so sorry. I have no idea of what came over me or why I did it. Guess I was still panicking and just need something to make me relax a little.

It’s not something to worry about, because none of the cuts where that bad. The razor was old and I didn’t have the tools to make any real damage. They are just a lot of shallow cuts, and they aren’t that bad. Just remember that if you ever have to look at them. They are not that bad. But you wont ever see them, because you just can’t. Nobody can, I can’t let them see.

The good thing that happened tonight was that you slept in my bed. After Niall went home you just came in and told me that you didn’t need to know what was going on as long as I was fine right now. You said that you wanted me to talk to you but that you would wait until I was ready to talk. I actually had no idea of what to say to that so that’s why I just started crying.

Sorry for that by the way, I tired not too. I just couldn’t stop myself when you were being so nice to me after I screwed up so badly. You didn’t say anything about it; you just lay down beside me and held me. We stayed like that until you fell asleep, but it kind of hurt my cuts when we were lying like that so I had to move away form you, but I didn’t want to. Not at all.

I just want to say thank you again for being who you are, everything you do is perfect and you are always there for me. It’s just me who have to be the stupid one that falls in love with his straight best friend. How stupid is that? Anyways, I know that I thank you a lot but that’s just because I really mean it and I don’t know what else to say.


	7. The one about the accident

So this day have been hell, and when I say hell I really mean hell. I can’t image how this could have gone any worse than it did. Right now I’m in the car with you and the other boys. All of it is really awkward, nobody is talking and nobody knows what to do. And it all my fault. 

The other boys were fine before you and I came into the car, and they have no clue of what’s going on. They don’t know and I know that you won’t tell them, but still. I’m so sorry and I don’t really know what more to say about that. I just fell asleep and I forgot, I didn’t think and I know that I should have and it was just all so stupid of me. I have no fucking idea of how I could be that stupid. It shouldn’t be allowed. 

You still look like you want to cry and I just want to run away and never come back. I don’t think I can look you in the eyes ever again. I’m so fucking sorry Harry. I really am.

So since I’m mostly writhing these for myself now, I’m going to go through what happened and see if I can make any more sense of it. 

You said you was going to be out for the whole day and I was so sure I was home alone when I left that bathroom, I was so sure that you weren’t there. Never would I have walked out in a towel if I thought you were there. 

Why were you just standing in the fucking hallway? I don’t understand why, and you weren’t supposed to be there. You were supposed to be out at your stupid lunch with the stupid Nick and you were supposed to be everywhere else than home. 

The worst thing was how just stopped completely and how your mouth fell open, and how you look like someone had told you that the world was ending or something like that. I had no idea of what to do. I could see the tears forming in your eyes and I could see how hurt you looked. It was hell and I couldn’t even move. Not until you said my name and tried to walk towards me. Then I panicked and ran to my room. 

I’m sorry for looking you out and for not opening the door no matter how much you begged me. All the “Please Louis”, “Can you at least talk to me” and “Just don’t do anything more” hurt so much, and I wanted to let you in I just couldn’t. You saw all the new cuts on my arms, but you didn’t see the old once and you didn’t see the one I made on my tights after you left for your lunch. You saw enough and I couldn’t let you know even more. I couldn’t let you get even more hurt because of me.

The last ting you said before you left the outside of my door was “I love you” and then I couldn’t stop crying for over two hours Harry. It took me over two hours to calm down and I used three to get cloths on and get my face look fine enough to leave for the concert. 

I was so afraid of leaving my room but I had to, I couldn’t let everybody else down. It was more than bad enough that I did that to you and I’m so sorry that I just ran out and into the car before you could say more than my name and please. I know we have to talk about it but I just can’t right now. I can’t.  
The way you are looking at me right now is so scary, and I can’t tell if you are heartbroken, angry or just both at the same time. I know I can’t avoid you forever, but I can do it until we get back home form this concert. I can’t talk about it before this day is over. And I cant. 

All of you are looking at me weird now and I think I need to stop writing now, and the next time I get to write you have probably yelled at me or something and I so scared. You will never fall in love with me now, and I think that I no longer have anything to live for.


	8. The one with a little truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I not sure if I like this chapter but I'm going with it anyway. Might get changed later.

You finally fell asleep and I need to write this down before I forget what all the things you said and I just need to write them down so I can have them forever and ever. The concert went fine even if I avoided you the whole time and was on the point of crying the whole time. It was really hard changing cloths while trying to hide the cuts. I couldn’t let the other boys see them and I couldn’t let you see the ones that you hadn’t seen yet. 

It went better then expected even if it was awful and you looked at me hit the hurt look all the time and it was just so awful to see you like that. 

After all the other boys wanted to go out but you just looked me and said that both of us was to tired and was just going home. There wasn’t much I could do or say about it so I just had to agree. It would be weird if I made a scene of it and the other boys would get that there was something really serious going on and with what happened in the car it couldn’t afford that.

The car ride was awful, you just sat there looking at me and I saw how you tried to dry the tears away for your eyes time after time. I’m so sorry that I made you feel that bad and it made me want to rip all my skin of. Hurting you feels so much worse than anything I have ever done to myself. It was more so awful and I really wanted to cut over and over to punish myself for it. 

But that would only make you hurt even more, so I can’t ever do that again. 

It wasn’t until we where home that you started to talk; you just followed me into my room and sat down on my bed. You had stopped trying to hide tears and were just letting them run down your face. You asked me how long and when I didn’t answer you repeated yourself louder and a little angry. I didn’t want to tell you I had done it since I was 13 so I just said years and seeing you actually shock was heartbreaking.

The rest of what happened was just you wanting to see all of the scars and me just crying and refusing you. I couldn’t let you see more of them. It was bad enough that you knew, I couldn’t have you see all of them. Looking at them made them so much more real and it made everything hurt more. 

You got me to show all on my upper body and I lied and said that that was all of them. Sorry for making you believe that, and sorry for lying. I just couldn’t have you have you get even more hurt because of me.

The worst part was when you tried asking me why, I couldn’t tell you why. I couldn’t tell you it was because I was gay and now in love with you and hurting because of it. It would just be mean to tell you, and I will never do it. I can’t ever tell you now, even if I want to. 

Thank you for not keep on asking and for not demanding me to tell you, thank you for being fine with me just saying that I couldn’t tell you. Even if I suspect that was mostly because I broke down so bad then and couldn’t even talk properly.

And yeah, I’m writhing this as you sleep since you told me you wouldn’t leave me alone ever, and that I could forget you letting me sleep alone. And thank you for taking away all of my razors and telling me I would only get to shave when you were in the room. 

But you didn’t get my secret razors; they are taped to the underside of the top in underwear drawers. I don’t think I will use them, but knowing they are there gives me a little more peace. Just knowing that I have them there makes me relax a little. 

Even if this is the biggest disaster ever, I’m glad that you will spend so much more time with me now. Maybe its really stupid of me to think like that I still do and it makes me kind of happy having you here. And don’t even get me started on having you in my bed ever night. It’s like a dream come true, even if we don’t do anything else than sleep. I just like having you as close as I can.

Please never leave me, I like having you around to much and when you are here I feel less like cutting and killing myself.


	9. The one about his mum

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I haven't read over this because I'm lazy and don't want to. Might fix it later.

Today I think I’m going to do something I have wanted to do since I was 13. I think I’m going to come out to my mum, I want her to know and I have to tell someone right? She is the only person I think will be fine with it and I just really need to talk about it. I need to have something positive happen in my life. 

Having you find out about the selfharm is just so bad that I’m not sure if I can go on without something good happen. I know that it can happen that she won’t like it, but I really think that she will understand and maybe be happy for me. She is such a wonderful person and I just have to tell her now before I change my mind.

The only problem I have is to get away form you, I don’t really want to but I need to tell her in person. I can’t do that to her over the phone and I just really need my mom right now. And I think I’m just going to tell you that, you might not understand and think that I’m leaving so that I can avoid you. I will never avoid you, I love you so much but I can’t deal with you right now. 

Going to continue this later when I have talked to my mum. 

 

So you made a big mess when I tried to leave, telling me that I had to stay and even started crying. I’m not sure what really happened, because I don’t understand. You said please so many times and I almost stayed. But you calmed down when I told you I would be back this evening. But I’m not sure what to think about this, are you so afraid of me hurting myself? Do you actually care that much? You can’t, I’m not that special and I’m certainly not worth your time.

When I got to my mum’s place the first ting I did was start crying, I not even sure why but I just burst into tears, maybe because I might have cut a little on my thighs after I left you crying and maybe because of what I was going to tell her. Either way it was awful and I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. Mum made all of my sister leave the room and go play upstairs. 

She let me cry for a long time before she tried asking me what was wrong. When I just started to cry even more she asked if it was about Eleanor, and I actually managed to tell her no. To get the words “I’m gay” out was so hard and it took me like 10 tries before I actually got it out. 

All my mum did was hug me and tell me she loved me over and over. She didn’t say anything else for a long time and just let me cry for as long as I wanted to. She told me that she had always wondered and but was too afraid to ask me, thinking I would get mad at her. I probably would have gotten mad if she had asked me before, I was so afraid of having anybody know and it would have been such a low blow. 

She asked about you and if I had feelings for you, but she stopped asking when I started crying again and just hugged me even tighter. I don’t think I could have a more wonderful mum and I so happy for having her and I have no idea of what I would have done without her.  
I’m not going to tell my sisters, at least not yet. Maybe one day, but only after I tell you. I think I want to do that now, but I’m not sure. Still to afraid of your reaction, but you don’t care that Nick is gay so maybe you won’t care that I am?

But Nick don’t try to get you to sleep in his bed all the time, and even if you sleep in my bed because you want to also doesn’t make it any better.

Right now I sitting outside in my car, I can’t face you yet. It’s getting late, but my face is still puffy and I don’t want to come in before its no signs left of me crying. It might be a while but I’m kind of sure you won’t go to sleep before I come home. You have already sent me like 15 texts.

I think I’m going to tell you I’m gay soon, but I don’t think I will tell you that I’m in love with you. That would be stupid of me; I can’t make you hate me more.


	10. The one about the good day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haven't read over this either, but I will. Some day, when I'm not a lazy shit, but yeah. Enjoy.

So last night and today was kind of perfect. And it so weird for me to say that something was or is perfect. I can’t remember having a good day, or a day that have been this good. I have good days but never anything like this. Thank you Harry for making me feel this good, I can’t remember smiling this much or laughing. I can’t remember laughing so much. You just put everything you could into making me have a good time and I just so grateful for that, and for you. Even if you are just my friend you are just so perfect and I just don’t know what to say. Thank you and I love you. 

You didn’t say anything or ask me questions when I got back from my mums, you just hugged me and smiled at me. Looking so happy to see me and your fucking smile is just so wonderful and it makes me so happy that you are just there. I think I will be fine with that forever. Maybe. As long as you don’t get a girlfriend. 

You didn’t ask about the way I still looked like I had cried for hours, witch I had but still. All you did was make me food and then follow me into my room and get to bed with me. It’s awesome falling asleep with your arms around me, and having you tell me that you love me. But you can’t keep doing this, it will make me get used to it and I will break even more when you stop. I know it stupid of me thinking like that, and all I really want to do is thank you for being here right now and I know that I can’t expect you to stay forever; I just don’t want to be here without you. Please never leave me. I can’t deal with that. I would die. 

Today you woke me up with breakfast in bed, and it was perfect even if you stared at my arms for so long. I’m really sorry for not sleeping with a jumper, it was just so hot and forgot when I woke up and didn’t want to make it awkward with taking one on when we were sitting there.

But later when you ran your fingers over then and got tears in your eyes I was kind of happy that I didn’t put the jumper on. Even if you made me cry when you said, “Promise never again”. I said yes but I can’t really promise you Harry, I cant. When things get bad I need it, because you don’t understand what its like. When feeling like ripping all your skin off and the feeling of just wanting to die. I can’t just stop, its that or killing myself. And I’m not sure if I want to die. Not when I have you, even if it’s just as friends. 

Having the day off it was so great spending all of it in bed watching movies and laughing and just having a great time. All of the other boys have been texting me asking what is wrong and thank you for calling them and saying we had an argument but that it is fine now. I had no idea of what to say or do. 

But yeah, today was a good day and I think I might tell you that I’m gay tomorrow. Maybe, I’m not sure but I want to and I think that it will be a good thing. Just maybe, but I want you to know and I don’t feel like it’s right of me to keep it secret. I want to tell everybody but that would be stupid and a big part of the fans would hate me. Also I can’t do that to the other boys, I can’t ruin their carrier just because I want to tell the world I’m gay. Anyways thank you for being you and I love you so much.


	11. Chapter 11

I have decided, I’m going to do it and I’m going to do it today. I’m so terrified but I can’t turn back now. You deserve to know and I want to tell you so much, it’s just so scary and I don’t know how to tell you. And I’m so sacred of how you will react even if I know deep down that you won’t really care and that I won’t make any difference to you. I will still be the same person and you won’t look at me differently. At least I hope so. Maybe I’m wrong, but I can’t be wrong because you are prefect and you would never have something against something like this. 

So I’m going to write down how I think it will go, because I need to figure out what I’m going to say and I need to try and guess what you will answer. This is something I do many times when I’m really scared of having a conversation that scares me. I’m just going to write it down like a dialog. Using our names and stuff because I think that it will help me relax. Sorry if you think it’s really stupid. 

Louis: Harry I need to talk to you about something.  
Harry: What is it boo? 

Then you will move closer to me to make me more comfortable because you know that I hate talking about personal stuff.

Louis: Well there is something I have wanted to tell you for a while but I’m not really sure how to say it or what you will think of me after.  
Harry: What is it? You are making me nervous too.   
Louis: Well its just that ehm you see… Well so it’s like that.. I’m.  
Harry: You are what Louis?  
Louis: I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

I will try to run away because I’m stupid and you will drag be back and demand that I tell you.

Harry: Just tell me Louis, It can’t be that bad. What are you afraid of?  
Louis: You hating me.

You will get really shocked now and just look and me with disbelief. 

Harry: I could never hate you Louis. How can you even think that?

I will then panic and just keep talking and talking and say many things that I shouldn’t.

Louis: Because I’m gay, and I don’t want to be and everybody should hate me and I know that they will. All the fans will hate me, and I don’t understand why Eleanor don’t hate me, because just think about what I have done to her. To make her my girlfriend and pretend do love her just because I was so afraid of being myself. And all the cutting, it all because of that, and I’m just so stupid and I don’t understand why I’m like this. There is something wrong with me and I just want to be normal Harry. Please don’t hate me. You can’t, I don’t know how to live with you hated me.   
When I’m done with saying all that stupid stuff you will just look and me and tell me how you could never ever hate me, and stuff like that. Maybe this is me being overly positive, but I need to believe this in order to actually tell you. 

You went out to meet with the other boys and you said you would be home in an hour so until then I just going to go over what I’m going to tell you over and over. And when you are back I’m going to tell you, I’m really doing this. I can’t actually believe that I am, but still I have to do it. 

I wish you could get home right now so that I could tell you right away, waiting makes me really nervous. Please hurry. And before I stop writing and forget I just want to thank you for cleaning the whole flat for all thing that I could use to hurt myself before you left, and thank you for asking me to please don’t do anything stupid.

Just so you know I haven’t, and I just want to say thank you and I love you. More than a friend but I’m not going to tell you that, I don’t want you to have me.


	12. Chapter 12

So that did not go like I had expected at all, I had never thought it would turn out like that and just OH MY GOD HARRY. I have no words or well I have to many words and I don’t know how to use them because my head is spinning and I just don’t understand. Its just wow, I would never ever think this would happen and I don’t know what to feel about it. 

Well I want to jump up and down and scream out of happiness but I can’t actually do that. Or I could but it would be really weird and you would ask me what the fuck that was wrong with me. 

First of all you actually laughed when I told you I was gay, you fucking laughed at me Harry. Do you know how much I wanted to kill myself the moment you started laughing? I was so sure you were going to make fun of me and I just wanted to DIE. Like I almost ran for the window. 

Bu then you smiled at me and just said “Well that makes two of us” and holy cow I think I almost died. Because seriously Harry, I would never have got that. I suck at knowing if people are gay or not. Maybe because I try so hard to hid the fact that I myself am but still.

I was in heaven for like two seconds before I remember that first of all, you were gay and you had never made a move on me, like ever. WHY THE FUCK NOT HARRY? Am I so ugly and why don’t you want me? Just kill me right away please. I can’t live anymore when you are gay and don’t want me. 

Then I remembered Nick, and for like the next minute I wanted to kill myself even more. Because I thought you were totally in love with Nick and that you just wanted to leave me and move in with him and live happily ever after.

But I asked you, I actually dared to ask you if you where in a relationship with Nick and you laughed even more at me. That hurt, but only until you got out a “no” and “I would never, his is not my type at all”.

Then I wanted to ask you what your type was, and I hoped that I was me, that I was your type and that you wanted me like I wanted you. I never got that fare, because you got a weird look in your face and then you almost started to cry.

I was panicking and it was even worse when you asked: “Is that why you harm yourself?” and I couldn’t answer Harry. Not when you told me you were gay too, I couldn’t tell you that I cut myself because I hate being the same thing that you are. I couldn’t do that. 

But you begged and asked over and over again. You hugged me and dried away all the tears and just said that you loved me and that it was fine. I finally got the yes out and then you started to really cry and you said that you didn’t understand why I could do something so bad to myself just for liking boys.

Thank you for telling me that it’s fine to be like I am, and thank you for telling me your secret too. I’m so glad that you did, even if I have so much more unrealistic hope of you and me together for real now.

Sorry for not telling you that the reason I started to cut again was no longer just be bing gay but me being in love with you and not having you love me back.

It was funny when you told me you would never have guessed that I’m gay even if I’m really feminine at times. It makes me feel better actually. 

I know that I say thank you a lot but I’m just so happy for having you in my life and I don’t want you to ever leave. So thank you again and I really love you so much and you have no idea.


	13. The one about the good day and being scared

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one could be kind of triggering just so you know.

So I’m having a bad day, and I don’t know what going on in my head. Everything was going so good yesterday and I have no idea of what happened. I mean, I’m so happy for the fact that you don’t care that I’m gay and that you don’t treat me any differently. I know that you wouldn’t, because you are prefect and you don’t care about things like that. You just accept people for the way that they are, and just don’t expect anything of anybody.

So why aren’t I over the heels happy and just having a great time? Well I can’t, because it hurts too much. Because telling a good thing to do, and I so glad that I don’t have to keep anything a secret for you anymore. You know about the self-harming and me being gay. But still, there is the fact that I’m in love with you, I can’t tell you that now. I just can’t. 

Because you are gay, and you are not in love with me. If you were you would have told me already wouldn’t you? It’s not like you to keep things like that a secret, you are not scared of everything and you would tell me. I know that you would have told me if you were in love with me. And it hurts so fucking much to know that I’m not good enough for you. That’s all I want to be, what you want. The one person that makes you smile, laugh and be happy no matter how bad things are looking. I just want to be the one for you, like you are the only thing that I can think about. 

But I’m not what you want, and I can’t deal with that. I don’t want to, and I just have no idea of how to act in front of you anymore. Its not that I don’t want to be around you, because trust me, that’s all I want. I would spend all my time with you if I could. 

So do I like ask you what kind of guys you like now? Or do I just pretend that nothing have changed and never bring the subject up? Its hard for me to understand how I should act around you, and I don’t want to do the wrong thing, I just want to make you happy. That’s all I want.

Still I don’t really want to talk to you about what kind of boys you like and what you have done with other boys. I don’t want to know that, it hurts way too much and I really don’t want to talk about it. But do you want to talk about it, or is that kind of why you have Nick around? To talk about all the boys you like and stuff like that?

You could do that with me now too, since I’m also gay, but you have Nick and you are used to Nick. I just me, and I’m stupid and have never done anything with a guy and maybe that’s why you don’t want to talk about it to me? Because I have no idea and just a stupid loser who don’t know anything?

I know that you don’t think like this, I but just can’t help getting thoughts like this. Sometimes I just feel like nobody wants me around and that I just a worthless piece of shit and that I should just never talk again. I feel like I’m just in the way and that you and the other boys would be so much better of without me.

I don’t understand why you wanted to move in with me and I don’t understand why any of you want to spend any time with me. How Eleanor don’t hate me or how she wanted to be together with me in the first place.  
I’m just feeling really down and it should be such a big problem for me that you don’t want to be with me too. Because why would you? I’m sorry for being so stupid and for actually still hoping that you would want me. I should have known. 

Something I did today was kind of really stupid, and I’m not so sure why did it. I know that I promised to stop cutting and I said before that I couldn’t do it. Not even for you, and that makes me just so much more of an awful person. Because how can I say that I love you but not even be able to stop this for you. How selfish aren’t I?

The cuts I made today were bad, really bad. They are on the insides of my thighs and I don’t even know why they got that deep. Well I know, but I promise that I didn’t mean to Harry. I promise you. It wasn’t on purpose. The blades were just new and they were sharper than the ones that I usually use. 

The first one wasn’t that bad, but they the next one was and then it just made me feel so much better and I just used more and more force. It was so stupid and as I was sitting there on the floor the blood just wouldn’t stop. I had no idea if what to do and I were kind of panicking and I’m so sorry. 

I have so many bandages on now but its still hurting and you said you would just leave for like a few hours and its been like five now and I have no idea of how I can hide this form you. I don’t want you to see, and I really really don’t want to tell you that I did this because you don’t love me like you love me.

I can’t hurt you like that. I just can’t. But I might have to tell you, I don’t feel well and the bleeding still hasn’t stopped. Maybe if I just pretend to sleep you will let me be and I might feel better in a few hours. Maybe not, but still. I just don’t want you to see me like this.

They aren't so bad that I will die, but because my life sucks and everything bad always happens I just want to tell you that I love you so much and that I’m so sorry for everything. Never think that anything I have done is your fault. It my own fault that I feel in love with you, and I can’t make you love me back. Don’t blame yourself for not loving me or for not seeing. It only my fault.

On that note I’m going to sleep now, I’m really tired and dizzy, and sleep sounds like a really good idea. Love you.


	14. When Louis feels like its all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took me so long and that its really short. But this part is just a filler for what comes next. And I promise that it won't take so long to write. Going to try to have it up sometime tomorrow or maybe today if I don't fall asleep.

I’m sorry for what I did today Harry, please understand that I don’t want you to blame yourself. I never wanted you to do that, but you didn’t listen and you didn’t let me finish what I needed to say. I shouldn’t have said anything. Please come back, to me. 

So this is what happened. 

I woke up with you sleeping in my bed today, just sleeping and for a few seconds everything were prefect. I felt almost happy, but then I tried to move and that wasn’t a good idea. The cuts hurt so bad that I almost screamed out in pain. It was awful and I was so terrified of waking you up. And to make things even worse I had bleed through the bandages and there were blood everywhere in the bed. There were no way I could hide it form you.

It only took a few minutes for me trying to panic silently before you woke up and at first you just looked at me smiling. When I didn’t smile back and you saw the panic in my face you got as white as a ghost. Seeing how scared and sad you looked was hell Harry. It still is, I’m so sorry for being this stupid and doing this to you. I shouldn’t even be allowed to live anymore. 

Everything got even worse when you pulled all the blankets away and saw the blood. There were so much and I couldn’t get a word out as I just sat there looking at you, seeing how your face went from shock, to anger and then just blame and sadness mixed together as the tear started to form in your eyes. 

You sat up and just looked at me, asking the same question over and over. Why. Why would I do this to myself when I promised you that I wouldn’t. How could I still feel so bad when I knew that it didn’t matter for you or my family that I was gay. Why I didn’t see how much you and everybody loved me and how this hurt all of you too. 

I had no idea of what to say to you, I wanted to tell you that I was just stupid and in love with you. But seeing you like that I didn’t want to break you even more, making you feel like it was your fault that I did this to myself.

It have never been your fault and it will never will, even if I do this because I love you and you not me it’s not your fault. You can’t do anything with what I feel and I can’t expect you to love me like that just because I love you.

I asked you to listen and to not talk until I was done but you didn’t listen Harry. I just got out that I was in love with you and that I knew that you would never love me back and that it hurt so much that I felt like I couldn’t live anymore. 

Never got to the parts about how I knew that it wasn’t your fault, that I should have told you forever ago or that just having you here was the only reason I hadn’t killed myself yet. 

You just got up, told me to wait here and left the room. It has been almost an hour Harry and I don’t know what’s going on. Did you leave so you didn’t have to deal with me? I won’t blame you for it, I wouldn’t bother with me either. I’m worthless and don’t really deserve to be alive. I’m sorry for being such an idiot thinking that you would love someone like me. What the hell was I thinking?


	15. The last one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So its been like half a year since I wrote anything at all and I don't know what made me want to sit down and do it today. But anyways I actually finished the story, and I might make a sequel where Harry get to read the letters, maybe, one day.

So it’s the evening now, and still on the same day as the last letter I wrote you. And I’m feeling much better now than I did this morning. Or actually I’m feeling better than I have in the longest time. I think that I’m actually happy. How weird isn’t that? Me happy? That’s nothing I ever thought was possible. Never in a million years. Dying bitter and alone was what I was thinking. 

So you surprised me more today than I ever thought you could, more than when you told me that you were gay too. And more than anybody ever could have surprised me to be honest. And I’m just so fucking happy and I’m smiling so much right now that my face is hurting. I also really want to laugh but I can’t. (You’re sleeping next to me, and you just look so perfect and it just makes my heart hurt. Also I’m totally taking photos of you sleeping when I’m done writing this because how can I not?) 

But I was trying to get to the point of why I was happy. So you left after I told you I loved you this morning, which actually was really awful of you. Leaving me hanging like that. But I forgive you, since I love you.

When you got back you had a shitload of bags with you and told me that I wasn’t allowed to talk until you was done. And I kind of hate not getting to talk but it was really worth it. Your speech was perfect. Telling me how much you always cared of me and how much you couldn’t understand why I could hate myself as much as I did and how you would spend the rest of your life trying to make me see just how wonderful I was.

I don’t even think I can write down all the things you told me, I really want to but it just makes me cry and I don’t think I can ever forget them anyways. But so, the bags were filled with bandages for my cuts, new bed sheets (that you put on and just thank you for that, I don’t know if I could have managed that) and all of my favorites food.

But wait, I’m kind of getting ahead of me here Harry; I’m getting to see that I do that quite a lot actually. The most important ting I was going to say was that your speech was wonderful and I can’t believe that you ended it with telling me that you were in love with me too! It could never have though it was possible for you to love me like that. And then you just kissed me and I swear I saw fireworks. 

So I think I’m really happy now, I’m not quite sure where you and I stand right now. But I think I might allowed to call you my boyfriend right? Or at least I know that you love me and I love you, and that’s all that really matters.

I’m not sure that I’m going to be able to cut right away, it’s hard and to be honest I don’t think you loving me fixed the problem. But I’m going to try and now I have you to try and help me stop, so that’s a good ting. Also I think this is the last letter I will write you, and I think I’m going to give you all of them. Just so you can understand all of this better. I want to you know, even if it will hurt.

So yeah, I’m going to end it with saying that I love you so much and I always will. You really are the best thing that could ever happen to me and I don’t think I can ever thank you enough and I’m just so glad that you are here. Thank you again and just never stop being you.


End file.
